Today marks a full week of me being alone in my new home away from home. I'm not going to sit here and gaslight the fact that I pretty much hate it here. It's extremely hot, nothing is the same….
I mean, I'm not even the same. So technically I cant use that as an excuse.
Being down in San Bernardino is humbling for many reasons. I have to constantly be alone, I have to make new friends, and lastly I have to learn how to take care of myself. These are all realistic expectations of growth in a new environment, buttttt I constantly check my side hoping to see my boyfriend. I am not used to all of these things barging into my life without my boyfriend helping me confront them one by one. Now I'm not going to turn this into a sob story, but it is one of my most pressing issues. Let me give you some perspective, think of the one person you go to for comfort, reassurance, and pretty much everything else, and BOOM they aren't there.
NO we didn't break up and no we don't fight everyday but I can't rest in the stability of his arms which brings me peace even with the smallest of things. I end facetime calls feeling empty and alone and it's not just with him. Anytime I call my sisters or the FAMBAM texts, I get discouraged that I will never find happiness here because I'm so attached to what I have back home. I'm not completely suffering, I know why I'm here and what I have to do to reunite my love and I. For everything I do is for our future and what we want to create. It's a bittersweet feeling knowing that all pain is rewarded when patience is applied.
I only have school two days a week which leaves a lot of time for nothingness, I sit in my room most days, dancing, crying, reading, journaling and homework. My room reminds me of my family, friends and lover, so I think that's why I stay in it so much, it's comforting to the eye. I have no complaints with school, I'm excited, all my classes are extremely interesting and I believe it will make me a better writer because of it. I hope as each week goes by I find peace in myself and the goals in need to accomplish.